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When cheaters get cheated

File pic: Zimbabwean Teachers

Muckraker joins the nation in congratulating the many patriots across the country who were allegedly elected to Zanu PF’s highest feeding trough, the Central Committee.

Across the country, people met and paid each other for the chance to be elected to office. Among the results, we were told that the party that used to boast bright minds like Herbert Chitepo now has even brighter minds like Mike Chimombe among its top leadership.

It is unclear whether he is now able to string two coherent sentences together, but the party welcomes all, even the least talented in the country. Where else can an incoherent person who claims to be an entrepreneur but has no known businesses find a political home in this country, if not in Zanu PF?

According to the Herald, which reports nothing but facts daily, the Zanu PF central committee elections were “a demonstration of Zanu PF’s democratic credentials and organizational capacities”. This is why, for instance, revolutionaries like the wife of our current owner were elected unopposed.

Cheater cheated

Of course, some infiltrators tried to pour sand into the pot during the Central Committee elections. Some people, obviously working in cahoots with Joe Biden himself, claimed that the elections were rigged.

In Makonde, one Phineas Makumbe withdrew from the elections, claiming that he had been cheated and rigged. Since when are cheating and rigging something to complain about in this country?

He wrote to whoever he was writing to at Shake Shake Building: “I Phineas Makumbe do hereby withdraw my candidature for the central committee elections for Makonde district owing to the unethical and dirty politics being exhibited by my opponent Kindness Paradza”.

He must be booted out from the party. No cadre loyal to the party would complain about long-standing party traditions like rigging and cheating. Surely, the man must be told that cheating, like charity, begins at home.

Incapacitated runners

Members of the media fraternity are in solidarity with colleagues at the country’s best broadcasting station, ZBC, who are fighting for fair salaries. They have written a letter complaining about their welfare.

Naturally, in their bid for salaries, they are requesting a meeting with the country’s owner, perhaps so that he gives them spare change.

“ZBC employees have since declared incapacitation and are requesting your office to facilitate a meeting with the Head of State to hand over a petition and highlight several issues that have been affecting them,” the ZBC staff said in a letter.

“This comes after months of requests by employees to meet the first citizen, delayed by the ZBC workers committee with the hope that a long-lasting solution would be found for the problems bedevilling the corporation and employees.”

Of course, it is shocking why ZBC is unable to make money when it shows riveting television content, like the First Lady’s cookery lessons, disguised as news every night.

News that ZBC staff may go on strike has been met with widespread anticipation across the country, as it may mean that the nation does not have to endure the 8PM alleged news for a while.

Voluntary work works

ZBC employees should learn to be patriotic and stop whining about small things like salaries. They should learn from a group of teachers, Teachers4ED, who announced that they are willing to work for free just to prove their patriotism.

"If there are no teachers at certain places across the country, we are willing to go and work there free of charge. Downing tools by teachers affects everyone because even teachers themselves are parents and it would not be fair to see their children not receiving lessons," one of the teachers was quoted as saying.

Another member of the group said: "We are patriotic teachers and as patriots, we should love our country and as teachers we must teach the children.

I obtained my qualifications at Belvedere Teachers College but I have not worked since graduation.”

They will be surprised to learn that landlords do not take patriotism as a method of payment for rent, and that bread is not bought in units of patriotism at the local tuck shop.

Sanctions cause blessers

On ZBC this week, it was revealed that illegal sanctions imposed by the dastardly West are having an impact on our morality as a people.

On the main news, it was announced that young female students at our universities are getting into “blesser and blessee relationships” because they no longer have a way to feed themselves, primarily due to sanctions.

In other words, sanctions are pushing these men with large bellies to go around colleges abusing young women. It has nothing to do with the fact that, years ago, our owners decided that they would no longer pay student grants or invest in education because they had found better things to do with tax money, like buying big cars and sending their kids to foreign universities. 

This, of course, is the sort of news reporting and analysis that will make sure that ZBC retains viewers every single night and pays its workers well.

Who would not want to pay top dollar to watch this cutting-edge news reporting every night?

Gala of hope

It was announced this week that there will be a gala in honour of the late nationalist Ndabaningi Sithole in Chipinge soon.

“The Office of the President and Cabinet (OPC) is working on a Musical Gala to celebrate the life of the late former ZANU Leader and National Hero, Rev Ndabaningi Sithole. The Gala will be in Chipinge where he hailed from. We will soon provide the actual date and other specifics,” the government said.

This is good news for the people of Chipinge. For years, they have had very little reason to vote for the reeling party, choosing instead to vote with the opposition many times. Now that they are being given a gala, they will surely change their mind.

A night of dancing and drinking will help them totally forget about the lack of development and marginalisation.

We might as well roll out similar galas around the country.

Wherever there is little development, we will send them big speakers and they will vote for us.

No bonus for Cabinet

Reports say the government has decided that this year, it will only pay bonuses according to performance.

“It is advised that with effect from this year, 2022, bonus will only be paid based on performance appraisal reports,” said a letter from a senior official to his department.

Surely, we cannot allow this to happen. If we are going to pay each other according to performance, where would it leave some of us?

Effectively, it would mean that not a single person in the Cabinet qualifies for a bonus.

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