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Muckracker: Wise up and join other men of gold

Zanu PF national spokesperson Chris Mutsvangwa

After allowing its supporters to engage in a charade disguised as primary elections, the party’s real owners sat in a dark room and decided they had their own candidates.

“It is in this context that in Chipinge South, Dambudzo Robert was disqualified and the reason is he allegedly owns a factory at his home and it is one of the biggest brewers of tumbwa, mutoriro (illicit brews),” said Chris Mutsvangwa, the party’s top loudspeaker.

The Herald of absolute truth reported: “‘Violence mongers, drug lords, and shoddy characters were disqualified from standing for the ruling party in the forthcoming elections as Zanu PF maintains high ethical standards with rerun polls set to be held in some constituencies,’ the party announced yesterday.”

Well, inevitably, some unpatriotic sellouts in the party started asking useless questions, such as why this alleged criminal had been cleared to run to start with. Besides, when did being a criminal become a criminal offence in the party?

Anyway, congratulations in advance to the opposition CCC for winning those two seats. And people accuse Zanu PF of not being generous.

Useless votes

Meanwhile, still with Zanu PF’s alleged elections, in Makoni West, it was decided that nobody knew the man who thumped Jenfan Muswere.

Said Mutsvangwa, trying as hard as he could to convince the gathered reporters that he actually believed what he was saying: “We tried to follow the paperwork of this candidate (Moses Moyana), where he was working before he became an MP for Manicaland, he was moving from Mat North, the paperwork doesn’t fit. The system has flushed him out and he is no longer a candidate, Cde Muswere will represent the party.”

For those not in the know, Muswere’s claim to fame is not in being one of the most incompetent ministers of all time. He is the Minister of ICT, but the government still has no working websites or e-mails. His claim to fame is allegedly helping the party owner to leave the country in 2017 when the previous owner and his minions were after his skin. That is what qualifies him, not votes.

The nation congratulates the reeling party for reminding its followers that their views do not matter. It was a timely reminder. Some of them were beginning to think they matter. They were beginning to talk about things like free choice and so forth.

Free lecture

As the entire world grinds to a standstill awaiting our elections, President Emmerson Mnangagwa told those eager to observe our polls to join the long queue.

He said this in an article that we are told he writes every week, but which we all know is written for him by primordial mandarins with lots of time on their hands in that cobwebbed office where nothing new happens.

Said the article: “Going forward, and as a country and nation, which is proudly African and sovereign, we shall be insisting on the principle of reciprocity when it comes to the practice of international election observation. A pecking order with white super-dogs who must observe elections of lesser beings, on the one side; and black underdogs whose polls must be observed, passed or failed, on the other.”

That’s right, Mr President. We cannot have people coming here to observe our elections for free. We all know many of them come here for lessons on how to win elections without winning elections. These are critical lectures that should cost serious money. We cannot be teaching people such skills for free.

Election banter

How do you know that elections are around the corner? We are told that old industries that shut down well before Moses parted the Red Sea are about to be re-opened.

This week, we were not disappointed. It was reported by the Herald, the country’s most trusted source of suspicious news: “Willowvale Motor Industries will in August resume assembling vehicles after a hiatus of more than five years as the subsidiary of the Industrial Development Corporation of Zimbabwe (IDCZ) returns to its core business. Double and single cab pick-up trucks will lead the resumption of vehicle assembly.”

We wonder why patriots should believe this news. Why would we assemble cars locally when we can just import them? How would our friends in the car import business eat if they can no longer import cars on our behalf and deliver them to us at inflated prices, that is, if at all they deliver them?

Besides, do they assemble cars fit for our owners? Do they assemble Mercs, Range Rovers and Toyota Land Cruiser LC300 at Willowvale? If not, they are useless to us.

Zacc’s US$20 catch

We commend the Zimbabwe Anti-Corruption Commission (Zacc) for once again shaming detractors who have been telling the world that we are not serious about tackling corruption.

It was reported that two City of Harare traffic officers have been arrested over a massive US$20 bribe. In a statement, Zacc said the two massive looters are to be charged with extortion after being spotted soliciting a bribe.

“This was under the watchful eye of Zacc officers who then pounced on them, leading to their arrest,” Zacc said, excited about its catch.

While we were celebrating this, we also heard more good news. A prosecutor was jailed for taking massive bribes of as much as US$200.

The nation congratulates Zacc for this massive clean-up. We urge them to keep their “watchful eye” on such major criminals. We cannot waste our time talking about innocent people who smuggle a tonne of gold here and there, or loot the national coffers once or twice, just to eke out a living in these hard times.

Wise up

The Zimbabwe Union Council of Churches (ZUCOC) has held an event to endorse the country’s owner to remain our owner for another five years. The organisation, which we are told, is a group of pastors, ordered its members to vote for the ruling party.

“Pastors4ED, the servants of God have openly, publicly and unapologetically and categorically affirmed their unwavering support to the leadership of ED Mnangagwa,” the group’s leadership said.

This is a strategic move. Other pastors are talking of moving billions for money launderers, offering advice to conmen on how to fool the country’s leaders. Who would want to be left out, talking about useless things like salvation? We urge all pastors to wise up and join other men of gold.

Fancy terms

The opposition Citizens Coalition for Chance held its primary elections this week. Of course, they refuse to call them that, preferring fancier terms like “candidate selection” and “citizens’ consensus and so forth”. This, of course, is to try and set themselves apart from the reeling party.

However, most amusing were some of the requirements for someone to be a candidate. Among the requirement was that one must have a certificate from the party’s “School of Ideology and Leadership”.

While trying to be different from their friends across the aisle, they decided to sound very much like them. We cannot wait to see the curriculum of this school.

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