Everywhere you turn, your typical black African brother or sister ap
BY ZIFISO MASIYE
Everywhere you turn, your typical black African brother or sister appears readily insulated by a seamless blanket of “excuses for failure!” Whether it is dysfunctional parenting, a failed marriage, “amaloyo, tribalism or orphanhood, the string of excuses always feeds a cancerous victim mentality — a mindset that justifies endless self-pity, undue entitlement, and the defeatist thinking that the world owes you one big explanation and yours is to whine and someone must up and fix things for you! Hellooo…!
Your pity-party, the painful story of your tormented childhood, the abusive marriage you landed in, the racial slew and the tribal and sexist prejudice that’s made you feel alien, the consuming fear, the shame, the betrayal you have endured from your most trusted . . . Hey, just quit complaining. Do not invest a lifetime of tears on these sorry tales. Nobody is listening. And honestly, nobody cares. These tears are not unique to your situation. These are the lived experiences of every African child. From individual to communities, through our institutions to the national self, the destructive propensity to play victim, to sling mud, to blame our problems and seek their solution from others outside of ourselves is self-evident. The mentality of dependency and poverty so grips our collective psyche in weird ways and we seem to consider our endowed black butt as some pre-endorsed and divinely affixed begging bowl. Something is wrong.
This week I borrow from the brains of a great brother and experienced life coach who, having analysed this blame-shifting syndrome, suggests a positive re-configuring of one’s mind-set in order to attain one’s goals and achieve a purposeful and fulfilling life. In proposing that you quit complaining, but rather look to the power within yourself, to take charge of your life and the forces influencing it, Sifiso Chikandi, a seasoned strategist and development consultant, has penned 15 golden rules of Empowered Living.
Be honest with yourself
We have been socialised in a judgemental world that doesn’t tolerate error and frowns at failure. Our egos kick in and early on, we become instinctively defensive and twist interpretations of reality in order to portray ourselves as innocent/not-to- blame or wronged . . .With time, in order to manage how we are perceived, it becomes necessary to patch our gaps with lies, that on repeating become our safe reality. Self-deception reinforces the picture we want the world to see often to the point where we lose the ability to acknowledge and confront our weaknesses/mistakes/ shortcomings. Lack of honesty with oneself leads to a failure to problem-solving. Even as they know where your blemishes are, Africans are too polite to point them out to you. The only truly deceived one is the one trying to deceive the rest.
After all the showboating, in your private space it is both safe and important to be honest with yourself. Create quiet, reflective moments alone and analyse the scenarios with brutal honesty. It is the only way you may improve and interact with less guilt and more confidence.
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Take responsibilities and make no excuses
Our consuming fear of failure and related stigma generates excuses after excuses — a justification for inertia, wrongdoing or not doing. We are trained to fear failure. The challenge is not taking responsibility and excuse-making affects every sphere of our lives. We fail to learn from failure and fear traps and imprisons us, leading to actively embracing mediocrity.
Examine the situation whose outcome is undesirable. What part is attributable to the failure? What could you have done differently? If you find yourself failing to identify something that could have been handled differently, that is your warning sign that you are refusing to take responsibility. No situation is completely hopeless. The world owes you nothing
The sense of entitlement that locks down potential, blames others for our lack and makes us demand of others what we could do for ourselves must fall. We make unrealistic claims from relatives, partners, employers, donors and governments as if we were their minor offspring! By deluding oneself into believing undue entitlement, we place unrealistic expectations on others that can only result in disappointment and resentment. Each of us in this world has to give of their best contribution to humankind, to find the best within ourselves for the betterment of all, not vice versa. A life of unexplored potential is a wasted life.
When you are about to ask for something, stop. Ask yourself why it should be given to you. Get real. Give yourself three compelling reasons why you should receive, which are not consumption-related.
Be bold and decisive
In many instances, whiners do know the solution to their problems, but simply lack the decisive will to act. They play victim and squeeze sympathy at home, the workplace, everywhere — seeking to transfer the responsibility of their “decision” to someone else.
Every individual has a choice in an undesirable situation.
Affect the situation ( change it). Remove yourself from it (leave) or simply live with it and quit whining.
Consider what’s causing your dismay. Are there others involved? Are they aware of it? Have you engaged them and expressed your position? What room is there for further negotiation? Plan B? A bad decision is better than no decision at all. Decide and act. You learn something from a bad decision and nothing from no decision.
Set targets and hold yourself accountable
Wanting something without developing a plan on how the want will be satisfied can only lead to disappointment or the shifting of the responsibility to meet the want to someone else. While an overall plan is a good start, you need to identify milestones that will show you that the implementation is progressing towards your goal in the time frame you planned.
Set your ambition. Examine the different ways you could potentially achieve it. Resources at your disposal. Break your ambition into smaller parts and set deadlines for delivery of smaller parts and achievement of the bigger goal. Do not make or accept excuses. Instead, focus on ways to overcome the obstacles.
Don’t let money define you
Money makes for the comforts of life, but it is a potential snare and thief of your happiness. Often we start with modest ambitions. The fantasy world on TV and attitudes that glorify money sink us in the obsession for money. When we begin to define our self-worth in terms of how much we have, the temptation to use other people’s money to “ increase our self-worth” grows exponentially. Soon, we struggle with debt. Suddenly a job that should settle bills becomes the very definition of who you are and life becomes about holding on to that job. Debts pile and money runs your life. All decisions are reduced to the $ value and friends are chosen on the basis of their financial value.
It’s all attitude. Learning to be content and accepting what we have is key. Often, we mistakenly think that if we had more money, we would be happier, but beyond basic needs, true happiness comes from somewhere within and from healthy relationships and this, money can’t buy.
Live within your means. Don’t try to live to the expectation of others. That will create money obsession and undue pressure. Help when you can, don’t keep up unsustainable appearances.
*To be continued…
