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MUCKRAKER: The visibly bored man, our owner’s nuggets of wisdom

Zanu PF national commissar Mike Bimha

The people of Gweru were blessed this week as the country’s owners descended on their city to discuss their alleged election strategy for a few days.

Principal of the Chitepo Ideological School, Munyaradzi Machacha, told the Herald of absolute truth that the event, dubbed the National Ideology and Mobilisation Workshop, was meant to teach party ideology to the party’s next generation of feeders. 

He said: “We are the only party that puts into its development plans, the generational issue, as our older generation retires it is replaced by a young, youthful crop of leaders, but those leaders need to be given the ideology of the party, they need to be taught the party’s politics, its culture, policies and programme and that is the programme that will be taking place here in the next five days, so that when we hand over to these youngsters, they are well prepared to run this country responsibly and to take the country forward.”

That any Zanu PF person is expected to “run this country responsibly” or that they are supposed to “take the country forward” is news to even Zanu PF people themselves. They are sure that the expectation of any genuine party faithful is to loot as much as possible while one still can. That has always been the party ideology that we all know.

Bored Bimha

According to Mike Bimha, the visibly bored man who is supposed to be the reeling party’s chief mobiliser, the meeting in Gweru is supposed to discuss his party’s election strategies. Bimha said the party’s current owner, President Emmerson Mnangagwa, had laid out Zanu PF’s plan to win elections.

“There is so much to sell to the people. The Second Republic has done so much,” Bimha said, sounding like a man who was finding it hard to convince even himself. According to Bimha, “under President Mnangagwa, the focus is now on economic development”.

Well, we are sure that telling the press that “economic development” is part of the Zanu PF election strategy was just for public consumption. Anyone who says that would be laughed off the stage at rallies. We are sure that, in the closed-door meetings in Gweru, the real “winning” strategies were discussed. Those are tried and tested strategies, ranging from bribery, beatings and threatening to burn sabhukus who don’t play ball.

Fawning reportage

Now that it is election season, expect our media to lose even more sense, more than normal. We are going to see grown men and women lose their dignity as they try to keep their jobs in this environment where bootlicking is a qualification.

An early contender for the most fawning reporting of the season award came via the Herald this week.

One report in the paper opened with this gem: “In 1964, a group of men determined to free the country from the shackles of colonialism and ensure majority rule through one man one vote converged in the City of Gweru at the inaugural Zanu Congress. Many have since passed on, but one man remains and carries that torch of freedom — not only political, but also on the economic front. That man is President Mnangagwa …”

The paper then went on to tell us that “Zanu PF candidates received wisdom nuggets from President Mnangagwa, who was accompanied by the First Lady Amai Auxillia Mnangagwa”.

We know some in the private media will try to counter with their own bootlicking of the opposition to try and counter The Herald. But they must be warned that Herald is vastly more experienced in this field.

Best bootlickers

Speaking of the First Lady, and media bootlicking, there was more to admire in the Herald, which preserves its best bootlickers for her stories.

Having cooked meals, seemingly all on her own, for dozens of poor children, she stunned those gathered to witness her miraculous generosity by revealing to all a hitherto unknown skill — investigating crime.

“I did my own investigations and discovered that there are women who are selling ganja cakes and scones at school gates. This should stop forthwith. I urge school authorities to be on the lookout for these people and report them to the police,” she is quoted as saying.

According to the Herald, “some parents confirmed the First Lady’s findings and applauded her for the bold stance against drugs.”

And yet we hear that our Criminal Investigations Department and the Zimbabwe Anti-Corruption Commission are struggling to deal with crime because there is a shortage of investigators. Why this is the case when we have our own intrepid, meticulous Sherlock Holmes wasting her talents cooking for kids, we will never know.

Give her a job at Police HQ and end this dug menace overnight.

Just shut it all

It was announced in cabinet this week that some areas of Mbare are so bad that they have been declared a “state of emergency” and will be demolished.

It was reported: “Mbare’s New Line area has been declared a state of emergency by the government which has subsequently ordered that devolution funds be redirected to refurbish housing, sewer systems and enhance garbage collection in the area.”

We are told the problem is that residents there are paying for services, but the local council is “not carrying out any repairs and maintenance and blockages are attended to by volunteers”. Basically, people there are living in dilapidation and dirt.

Well, this sounds like just about every part of the country. We are, therefore, certain that the country will soon be declared a “state of emergency” and shut down for urgent refurbishment.

Facts left behind

This week, an announcement was made that the country has completed thousands of projects that the people were promised.

“At least 7 000 projects have been implemented with 5 000 completed since 2018 across the country, as the Second Republic led by President Mnangagwa demonstrates commitment to deliver on its promises to transform millions of lives in its resolve to achieve an upper-middle class income economy by 2030,” cabinet told the nation, to roars of laughter all across the land.

The projects, we heard, “are being implemented both in the rural and urban areas”. Also, “they range from community schemes with a huge impact on ordinary people, to flagship projects … leaving no one and no place behind”.

It seems the only thing that has been “left behind” are the facts and evidence of these massive projects that are supposed to be changing our lives.

Kasukuwere’s expertise

There was some excitement among some folks this week after one Saviour Kasukuwere announced that he wants to run for president so that he can eat also.

In one post, a group purporting to campaign for Kasukuwere said: “By standing in the August 2023 elections, president Kasukuwere is representing the voiceless masses, the downtrodden, the disenfranchised citizens, as well as patriots who were violently driven from the shores of the motherland. He is standing against black-on-black oppression.”

Muckraker is sure there are some missing words in this “announcement”. We are sure by “voiceless”, he meant those people who had pesticide forced down their throats in Mashonaland Central. As for people being “violently driven” from their homes, one cannot doubt Kasukuwere’s expertise in that area.

Many, understandably, are taking this seriously. We are sure there is enough “bag” going around to keep him trending on social media and in the papers. It is, after all, silly season.

Busy Mthuli

Mthuli Ncube has been so busy trying to be an MP that he has forgotten his day job, which, to put it kindly, is not going too well. But who cares about inflation when there is an election to be won in an area where you hope to profit from the poverty that you created?

While attending a meeting of Zanu PF candidates, he promised the people of Cowdray Park heaven on earth. He said: “In five years, you will not recognise Cowdray Park. We will turn it into a smart city.”

Who can doubt him? Five years ago, he told us that in no time, we would not recognise the Zimbabwe economy. He was right. We can barely recognise it now.

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